He still isn't old enough to play first base for the Orioles

(Picture of Ralph Nader announcing his candidacy in 2020)


Happy March everybody. I hope the Leap Year didn't make you too mixed up.

The Orioles started playing Spring Training games the other day. With that brought on our annual "Promising Oriole pitcher with a mysterious injury in March" announcement that I know we've all been waiting for.
Thats right, Troy "Old Blood and Guts" Patton has come down with a shoulder injury that he has been suffering from for the last 4 months. This is great for the O's, since they traded for him THREE months ago. Peter Angelos makes his players go through a day long physical before they join the team. So they can afford to do a colonoscopy, but can't bother too look at a guys shoulder that happen to be torn?

This spring also brought us another almost annual disappointing announcement. Ralph Nader will be running for President for a 4th time in 2008! America's favorite 74 year old pest.
He thinks America may finally be crazy enough for a liberal presidency. Seat belts on planes weren't enough, he wants to be your next leader of the free world!
I think he has finally gone senile though. According to this interview with the Village Voice, one of his campaign promises is impeaching George Bush and Dick Cheney.

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Village Voice: Do you still think impeachment is worth pursuing?

Ralph: Of course. We have two outlaws in the White House, recidivists, who have committed more impeachable offenses, regularly and daily, than any presidency in history. And they get away with it. It’s such an upside-down world. These guys have violated the FISA Act repeatedly, surveillance without a judicial warrant, that’s a felony. That’s a five-year maximum jail term. They do it regularly. Now they want to change the law so they can get away with it. The systemic torture, the violation of federal law as well as the Geneva Convention, a criminal, unconstitutional war in Iraq. We’ve got arrests of thousands of people without charges, throwing them in jail without lawyer. In the U.S., we’re talking about. And yet Chairman Rep. John Conyers of the House Judiciary Committee refuses to even have a hearing, never mind an impeachment inquiry. And that’s where we’re at. We’re basically on the way to demonstrating that presidents can systemically violate the constitution and the laws of the land an get away with it

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Um, "Earth to Ralph!" You do realize that Bush and Cheney won't be in power anymore after this election, right? Making one of your campaign pledges that Bush and Cheney will be out of office is the equivalent of promising on New Year's Eve 2008 that the next day will be 2009. Its going to happen already. Get that hanging chad out of your brain.

I wouldn't mind seeing him vs Dennis Kucinich in an over the top battle royale for sanity at WrestleMania. (Love how it all ties together)

Okay everyone, keep on rockin'!

Its all about the Game and how you play it.

Hello y'all. Its an alright time in sports. NASCAR is back. The NBA and NCAA hoops seasons are starting to heat up. Spring Training is beginning and of course Roger Clemens is being investigated by the government for perjury.

Yes, this is the same Federal government that is dealing with sky rocketing gas prices, a war on terror, and a coming recession. You go FBI! You nail that 45 year old ex-pitcher and his moron trainer. You're making America safer.

Clearly however, the most important sports event in America is fast approaching. No not the Superbowl, March Madness, or the World Series. Nope I'm talking about the Grandaddy of them all WrestleMania!

Thats right folks, its going to be huge, and unlike the Orioles this year, you don't know whats going to happen. Michaels-Flair, Undertaker-Edge, Cena, Triple H, and Orton in a three way dance. And for the celebrity involvement, Floyd "Money" Mayweather taking on The Big Show.

Thats right the 5-5 145 pound Mayweather will be taking on the 7-0 360 pound Big Show. Hell I'd take on a giant to in order to get paid 20 million. He better start juicing now.

Its going to be at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando with 80,000 people in attendance. The cheers will be louder, the pyro bigger, and the juice syringes bigger.

Best of all, Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee will be having an amnesty on a pole match.

Well thats all I have for now. I'll stop dreaming and look at real sports for the next few posts.
Hmm guys fighting or watching the Orioles lose 95 games. Thats a real tough choice.

Congress dealing with clearly the most important issue facing the county.

For the 68th straight day Roger Clemens and his arch nemesis Reality, I mean Brian McNamee continued on their horse and pony show through Congress. Can anyone explain to me why Congress had to step in and completely rehash the whole steroids issue? I thought that was done back when Raffy and the gang were before Congress. People got yelled at. Changes were made. The issue was solved.

Now we have this? A 68 year old pitcher running around government buildings trying to reverse what his former hired help is saying about him? This isn't advancing the cause of getting rid of performance enhancing drugs. All this is doing is wasting tax payer's money and the time of Congressmen who should be trying to figure out how to secure our borders and keep the dollar from becoming worthless, not worrying about if a former player used drugs 8 years ago. Clemens went from a fat guy with three chins by the end of his Boston career to looking like Brock Lesnar overnight with Toronto. "Gee, I wonder how that happened?" Everyone was doing it then. Its time to close the door on that era and stop opening it up.

This stupid, irrelevant steroid investigation is taking longer to finish then the Erik Bedard trade.
That thing has been going on since the Reagan administration. Bedard will be as old as Clemens by the time he ever actually throws a pitch for the Mariners. I can't wait for the baseball games to actually begin. I miss my Frank TV ads.

Take it easy everyone. Remember, if someone wants to inject, you must reject.

Romney drops out. Expected to change mind in 2 days

Well folks the political process has sure became alot clearer on the Right side of things since I've been gone. Away with my boy Tancredo. Away with Thompson. Away with Rudy. and now away with Mitt.

Huckabee will be soon to follow since he has been running for Vice President all along. Paul will probably running as 4th party candidate after Bloomberg, so expect some more money bombs to go off for him.

So it looks like its going to be Mr. Straight Talk himself John McCain, as the next Republican nominee. I hear Mayflower Moving and Storage will be relocating to Mexico just to get a jump on business since border hopping is about to pick up no matter if Mac or Obamaillary get elected.

McCain will be 72 years old by the time inauguration rolls around. Being elected President was the 8th item on his bucket list. Even his 92 year old mother thinks McCain is old as hell. Don Rickles will probably be the main entertainment at the convention. It came down to him or Garrison Keillor.

But its going to be a fun race. Seems like the Democrats will never decide a winner. Obama and Billary are neck and neck. However, Obama does have a huge fund raising edge. Hillary even had to ask Mitt Romney for money, it got so bad.

How about that Super Bowl, huh?

I'd like to introduce you to our newest Throne contributor: Mr Bill Belichick. He is going to be writing the final paragraph for us.

Well it was a tough game. They made plays. We didn't. Hopefully next year..........................


Hey, what the hell Bill? You can't just walk off the blog before the paragraph is over! Show a little class. I guess I'll have to wrap it up myself. Its a pleasure to be back y'all. feel free to comment to your heart's content.

Theres only one Lord Elevation's Throne.

This pisses me off

Well folks heeeeeeeeeeees back.

Just when you thought the Throne was dead, I am back to rock your world again. The Throne will revitalize you, re-energize you, re-sexualize you, and re-Americanize you.

Its time to get back to work.

The major sports story over the past 48 hours has to be the fact David Cutliffe was named the new football coach at Duke University. It has eclipsed all other sports coverage on ESPN.

Oh wait. Whats that?

My bad.

Our lives have been rocked upside down and shaken with the new Mitchell Report.
I haven't seen this much bullshit thrown together since Al Gore was give the Noble prize for fucking with bald eagles or some other environmentally conscious thing.

I'm not going to add on to it. We all know the names included whether they should have been or not.

But I would like to add this thing I found on page 189

"According to Don Fehr, the whole investigation was delayed for over two years because Bud Selig wouldn't stop drinking the all the urine samples".

Fehr's word was the only corroborating evidence, so it was included, since that was the most solid thing they had.

More to come later!

Have a good day y'all.

Theres only one December. Damn that feels good to say.l

Season Finale

Alright Gang. Thats the end of Season 1 of Lord Elevation's Throne.

You'll be hearing from me again.

There may be a God

Hello Elevation Nation. Time for a little political knowledge that you can use to show off to all your stupid friends at work or school.

It sounds like Billary Clinton has been having a rough little go of it lately on the campaign trail.
Her poll lead over Barack Obama has slipped a little after her Brian Billickesque debate performance around Halloween where she managed to go the whole debate without giving a solid answer to anything. I guess "Unclear" is the new "lockbox".

Another dent in Hillary's armor could be coming from this story that the morons who actually go to her townhall meetings are actually just asking questions staffers came up with for them:

We'll jump in mid-flight with this NY Times article:

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"At two campaign events in Iowa this year, aides to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton encouraged audience members to ask her specific questions, a tactic that drew criticism from an opponent for the Democratic presidential nomination and led her yesterday to promise that it would not happen again."

"The practice came to light late last week when a student at Grinnell College in Iowa, Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff, told her campus newspaper that a Clinton aide had asked her to pose a question to Mrs. Clinton about global warming.

The request came during an event Tuesday in Newton, Iowa, where Mrs. Clinton outlined her plan to create five million jobs in renewable energy sectors.

In a question-and-answer session with the audience, Mrs. Clinton called on several people with raised hands; some of them asked friendly questions about policy, and one man pressed her on trade issues.

At one point Mrs. Clinton called on Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff, who asked for the senator’s ideas for combating global warming.

Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff did not return phone messages over the weekend seeking comment. But the Grinnell College newspaper reported her as saying that the Clinton aide told her the campaign wanted a question from a college student, and that campaign staff members had prompted Mrs. Clinton to call on him."

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Busted! For full disclosure, I think its important for Throne readers to know that the crazy guy who insults me after every post is actually planted there by my staff.

I promise you that production on the Throne, all though it has been lacking in recent days is not suffering because of the writer's strike. The horrible quality in the Throne has been a result of a labor strike by my brain.

RIP Steve McNair 2006-2007

I know we have some Baltimore readers out there, so this ones for you. (Stalker feel free to chime in also)

Well folks, it looks like Steve McNair's career as a Ravens will be coming to and end soon. In his last two games. Big Steven is 30 for 48 with 191 yards and no TDs in the last two games. Hos average passes are shorter then this column.

It looks like the Circle of Life has come around and former Baltimore whipping boy Kyle Boller will be back in at QB.

Three years ago Boller was being modeled into effigies, and now he is supposed to be the savior.

Boller being asked to save the Ravens is the equivalent of OJ Simpson being elected sheriff in Los Angeles.

I can't wait to hear Billick try and spin this one. He went to the "Mike Flanagan School for Giving Bullshit Answers to the Media." My God, he gives more nonsense answers to interviews then Ultimate Warrior.

Q. So, Brian, whats your gameplan for next game?

A. "How must I prepare you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let it run over me with lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and let it trample me with raging elephants?"

Thanks Ultimate Billick!

Its rainin' but there ain't a cloud in the sky,musta been a tear from your eye

Hello Elevation Nation. I hope your weekend is progressing well. 

I know that other then the anonymous stalkers out there, we have quite a few sane people who read this blog. And among the group of sane people there are quite a few Yankee fans out there.

This ones for you:

(Warning for explicit content. Make sure all fire arms in the house are set to safety)

From MSNBC:

NEW YORK - Roger Clemens apparently isn€™t ready to move into that office at Minute Maid Park just yet.

Clemens, if healthy, would consider pitching for Team USA during the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China, according to a report on MLB.com.

The 45-year-old righthander considered the prospect of pitching in the Olympics when he first retired from the New York Yankees after the 2003 World Series, but Team USA was eliminated that fall by Mexico in the qualifying round, and it was not represented in the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, Greece.

This time around, the U.S. has already qualified.

“I think, if things fell into place and he felt good, he would be interested,” agent Randy Hendricks told MLB.com. He loves the idea of representing his country.

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Oh Boy. Usually after the Olympics, the Cuban baseball players try to hitch rides back into the US to escape Cuba. I have a feeling this time the American baseball players are going to be hitching rides to Cuba to escape from Roger Clemens.

This just in from Suzy Waldman:

"ROGER CLEMENS IS IN GEORGE'S BOX AND ROGER CLEMENS IS COMIN' BACK. OH MY GOOD--GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS--OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN, ROGER CLEMENS STANDING RIGHT IN GEORGE STEINBRENNER'S BOX ANNOUNCING HE IS BACK! ROGER CLEMENS IS AN AMERICAN OLYMPIAN! AND THERE WE GO JOHN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO TAKE THAT SPOT IN THE ROTATION. YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE YANKEE DUGOUT! BIG GRIN ON JORGE POSADA'S FACE! ANDY PETITTE KNEW, BIG-SIZE ROGER CLEMENS IS NOW AN AMERICAN OLYMPIAN! ATTENTION FANS! HE IS HERE, AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE TO DISCUSS WHO TAKES THAT SPOT IN THE ROTATION."

Looks like its gonna be one of those years.

Public Service Announcement

Alright folks, its time for the announcement you have all been eagerly awaiting, the official Lord Elevation's Throne nomination for President in 2008.

After much studying of the issues, I have decided to support Congressman Tom Tancredo as my choice for President.

Now, I know Tancredo probably won't win unless Mike Gravel goes crazy and kills all the other candidates, but I feel Tancredo is the candidate who echoes my beliefs the most.

He is most well known for his beliefs concerning illegal immigration. They are a threat to America and the border needs to be closed. Congressman Tancredo believes this is the most important issue facing America today, and so do I. If you don't want to be the only English speaking person at your local hospital or WalMart, think Tancredo

He is in favor of a smaller government and lower taxes, something we're all in favor of.

Check out www.teamtancredo.org for more information.

Finally, if you don't vote for him, he is going to go Cheney on your ass, check out this video:

I guess they could start Dog the Bounty Hunter if they keep this up

(A picture of Vinny Testaverde with his brother Bob Hope)


Its an odd time to be a QB in the NFL right now. Right now its Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Big Ben, Jon Kitna, Tony Romo, Brett Favre and 50 guys that suck.

I know the Throne has a few New York area readers, so they'll get a kick out of this next story. Apparently the Panthers are still insisting that The Statue of Vinny be their starter.

From Yahoo:
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Soon-to-be 44-year-old Vinny Testaverde has moved back into the lead in the pothole-filled race to be the Carolina Panthers' starting quarterback.

Testaverde returned to practice Wednesday after missing the Panthers' loss to Tennessee with a sore right Achilles' tendon. David Carr watched practice from the sideline, yet to be cleared after sustaining a concussion against the Titans.

And even tough he split time with undrafted rookie Matt Moore, and coach John Fox declined to select a starter, Testaverde sounded like the guy who will be under center on Sunday against Atlanta.

"I feel great right now. Hopefully there are no setbacks, which I don't anticipate," said Testaverde, who turns 44 next week. "I'm excited about it. I think we made the right decision in not pushing it last week."

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Why is Testaverde still playing in the NFL? When football guys hit forty, the only team they should be playing for is the Nutrisystem Team with Dan Marino and Dan Shula*.

The Throne can only hope that it'll still be performing at such a high rate for 25 years as The Statue of Vinny, although the Throne will probably need Viagra just to get out of bed in morning by that point.

Have a good time people!

Expect the Throne's 2008 Official Presidential endorsement tomorrow!

Dog the Bounty Cunter

Five wives. Eleven kids. Nineteen arrests.

Who do you think I'm talking about America? Evander Holyfield? Nope, not quite. Mitt Romney? No comment. Dog the Bounty Hunter? Ding ding ding, we have a winner Bobby.

Thats right folks, we're talking about America's cop, Dog the Bounty Hunter. Most people know him as the Jesus quoting reality television star, but it turns out there is another side to Dog. Did you know Dog went to jail for murdering a guy back in the 1970s? Thats right he served 18 months in 1977 for shooting a guy in Texas. Flash forward 30 years and the guy somehow becomes the biggest reality televison star in America. Things were going great for Dog. He had a growing TV show and a highly successful bail bond company in Hawaii. And then his inner psycho came out on a phone call with one of his 78 children:

Transcript from Reuters:
"I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It's not because she's black, it's because we use the word ni**er sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some fucking ni**er heard us say ni**er and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine. Our career is over! I'm not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never! If Lyssa [Dog's daughter] was dating a ni**er, we would all say 'fuck you!' And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ya da da... it's not that they're black, it's none of that. It's that we use the word ni**er. We don't mean you fucking scum ni**er without a soul. We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that. And we're not taking a chance on losing everything we got over a racial slur because our son goes with a girl like that. I can't do that Tucker. You can't expect Gary, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids to [garbled] because 'I'm in love for 7 months' - fuck that! So, I'll help you get another job but you can not work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life. I can't handle that shit. I got 'em in the parking lot trying to record us. I got that girl saying she's gonna wear a recorder..."

Yikes. Sounds like Dog may be off television for a little while. I was going to say forever, but people like Imus were able to find work again.

This conversation sounds like something "Anonymous" would have with one of alternate personalities.

"What'cha gonna do, What'cha gonna do brother when Patriotmania runs wild on you?"

Well, brother welcome to the Throne. You're probably wondering why I couldn't come up with a better quote to describe the Patriots then something from Hulk Hogan. Thats a pretty valid point. We'll examine the Throne's lack of relevant cultural knowledge another time, but thats for another night.

Right now its time for our contractual mandated gloating of the Patriots. They played a tremendous game yesterday. Coming back from ten down in Indy, against the Super Bowl champs ain't an easy thing. Tom Brady may be the greatest player in the history of the World.
I think the media was expecting Bill Belichick to start wandering the streets of Boston like Ron Burgundy after the "Spygate" incident. Turns out he was able to take all the residual hate from that incident and bottle it up in syringes for his team.

These guys are almost as unstoppable as Adrian Petersen. I'm pretty sure someone on the Chargers made a "Your mother" joke that just completely set him off.

At one point, I was expecting Alex Rodriguez to run out onto the field and tackle Adrian just to get the spotlight back on himself.

One last thing, were my ears deceiving me, or did John Madden honestly compare Marion Barber III to Walter Payton during the Sunday Night game? Apparently Turducken now comes in an alcoholic drink form.

Alright good people, until next time. Just so you know, the Throne will not be effected by the upcoming Hollywood writers strike. Although the guy who runs this site is a cheap asshole. Oh wait, thats me. Damn.

All he really wants is an Olsen twin

Well folks, looks like its going to be a long winter of non stop A-Rod. I can't wait to wake up every morning, turn on ESPN and hear non stop reports from people like Peter Gammons and Ken Rosenthal updating us every five minutes. Me thinks Tim Kurkjian's trousers get a little tighter every time he gets to talk about Alex.

The story below comes from MSNBC and ESPN. Sounds like PayRod needs a cash boost to pay off all his "nurses".
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MSNBC News Services

updated 1 hour, 21 minutes ago

Alex Rodriguez would not meet with the New York Yankees unless they offered him a $350 million contract not to opt out, ESPN reported Friday, citing sources.

ESPN said the Yankees wanted to meet with the third baseman this week, but Rodriguez chose to opt out of the final year of his contract during the Boston Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory over the Colorado Rockies on Sunday.

The Yankees would have offered Rodriguez a five-year extension worth $150 million, beginning in 2010. Thus, the deal would have paid him $230 million over eight years, the highest contract in baseball history.

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Its going to be a long, Yankee filled off-season. Torre already signed with the Dodgers. Christ, if he remembers anything about managing in the NL. The Dodgers just want to sign everyone they can from the AL East.

I hear two football teams play this weekend, but I'm not really sure who. Has anyone heard anything about it?

Theres only one November

He would've beaten Kucinich!

The Throne is sad to report some horrible news from South Carolina this evening.

This from ABC:


"ABC News' Jake Tapper Reports: The presidential candidacy of comedian Stephen Colbert seemed to come to a screeching halt Thursday afternoon. The comedian's application to be on the South Carolina Democratic primary ballot was rejected and he did not apply to appear on the state GOP primary ballot -- with its $35,000 filing fee

Colbert, who was raised on James Island in Charleston, S.C., filed his application with the Democrats and paid the $2,500 filing fee before the noon deadline. But the South Carolina Democratic Party executive council met and after 30-45 minutes of debate and discussion decided to reject his application. His check will be refunded."


Thats a great way for SC Democrats to endear themselves to young voters. They won't accept Colbert, who actually has a national following, but will accept the midget who sees aliens.

At least Colbert would've added a little flavor to the constant debates, where people who are natural windbags act like they're normal.

Its a sad night for America.

This is our country.

LiveWrong

Well folks, here is a Halloween story made to send chills down your spines. The Throne found this little gem originally on Perez Hilton, the actual text of this report comes from Fox News:

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"Full House" star Ashley Olsen has found love with Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong, the New York Post's Page Six reports. Olsen, 21, was seen Monday night canoodling with the 36-year-old retired cyclist at New York's Gramercy Park Hotel, a source told the paper.

"They came together with a group of friends," the source said. "Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."

Armstrong, the seven-time Tour de France winner, broke up with fashion designer Tory Burch earlier this month. He was engaged to singer Sheryl Crow and has three children from his first marriage.

Olsen, along with her twin sister, Mary-Kate, owns Dualstar Entertainment Group. She's been romantically linked to a Columbia University quarterback and actor Jared Leto.

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Wow. Talk about weird. Hasn't cycling been through enough? After we hear enough about this story, the Tour de France is going to miss the drug abuse days.

If, Lord Elevation had 15 minutes to come up with an odder couple, I'm not sure I could do it. Maybe something involving Tyra Banks and Bud Selig, but even then Ashley and Lance have them beat. No word if she was seen leaving with his yellow jersey.

I expect this will propel Bob Saget's standup career another five years.

Time to cross the finish line on this entry.

Is there anybody alive out there?

Happy Halloween to all the readers out there in Elevation Nation.

Today's story has a Halloween touch to it. Its part creepy, part fantasy, and part Democrat.

From our bros at CNN:

PHILADELPHIA (CNN) — So if there are space aliens, can they register to vote?

Perhaps Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is courting their support, discussing a UFO sighting in Tuesday night’s debate.

He confirmed an account in actress Shirley MacLaine’s book that he saw a UFO at her home in Washington state. Though he didn’t address the rest of her description, that the Ohio congressman “felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”

Kucinich said to moderator Tim Russert’s question, “It was an unidentified flying object, OK? It's, like, it's unidentified. I saw something.”

jubjub

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I'm fairly convinced that Dennis Kucinich is really alien. Abduction is the only way he could've gotten a smokin' wife like that.

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel like Charlton Heston in "The Omega Man". The last man on Earth who isn't a bandwagon Red Sox fan. Its getting there.

Have fun trick or treating kids. Be sure to avoid Albert Belle's house or Stephen Jackson's house, or Isiah Thomas' house or Stephon Marbury's Escalade.

I already forgot who won the World Series.

As a reminder to my loyal readers and loyal stalker, the Red Sox were the team that won the World Series the other day.

However, the media seems to have forgotten this, as we are currently being bombarded on SportsCenter and other shows with either : Joe Torre to the Dodgers, the Patriots running up score against the Redskins, as well as Jesus Girardi coming in to "save" the Yankees.

I'm going to miss the baseball season. No more annoying Frank TV promos, no more Dane Cook "Theres only one October" commercials. No more hearing Joe Buck embarrass himself by taking a bet from Conan and saying "JubJub" during a nationally televised World Series game.

We only have one thing left. And thats John Mellencamp. We'll still hear "Our Country" performed during every single football game for the rest of our natural lives.

jubjub

The media's obsession with the Yankees and Patriots is almost reaching a John Madden/ Brett Favre level. I'm expecting Mike Vrabel to replace Ronan Tynan as the guy who sings "God Bless America" at Yankee games.

Alright folks for one final time. "Theres only one LordEltober."