Lord Elevation's Throne

2009-03-10T00:14:00.001-04:00

2009-03-10T00:12:00.000-04:00

He still isn't old enough to play first base for the Orioles

2008-03-03T23:08:00.002-05:00

(Picture of Ralph Nader announcing his candidacy in 2020)

Happy March everybody. I hope the Leap Year didn't make you too mixed up.

The Orioles started playing Spring Training games the other day. With that brought on our annual "Promising Oriole pitcher with a mysterious injury in March" announcement that I know we've all been waiting for.
Thats right, Troy "Old Blood and Guts" Patton has come down with a shoulder injury that he has been suffering from for the last 4 months. This is great for the O's, since they traded for him THREE months ago. Peter Angelos makes his players go through a day long physical before they join the team. So they can afford to do a colonoscopy, but can't bother too look at a guys shoulder that happen to be torn?

This spring also brought us another almost annual disappointing announcement. Ralph Nader will be running for President for a 4th time in 2008! America's favorite 74 year old pest.
He thinks America may finally be crazy enough for a liberal presidency. Seat belts on planes weren't enough, he wants to be your next leader of the free world!
I think he has finally gone senile though. According to this interview with the Village Voice, one of his campaign promises is impeaching George Bush and Dick Cheney.

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Village Voice: Do you still think impeachment is worth pursuing?

Ralph: Of course. We have two outlaws in the White House, recidivists, who have committed more impeachable offenses, regularly and daily, than any presidency in history. And they get away with it. It’s such an upside-down world. These guys have violated the FISA Act repeatedly, surveillance without a judicial warrant, that’s a felony. That’s a five-year maximum jail term. They do it regularly. Now they want to change the law so they can get away with it. The systemic torture, the violation of federal law as well as the Geneva Convention, a criminal, unconstitutional war in Iraq. We’ve got arrests of thousands of people without charges, throwing them in jail without lawyer. In the U.S., we’re talking about. And yet Chairman Rep. John Conyers of the House Judiciary Committee refuses to even have a hearing, never mind an impeachment inquiry. And that’s where we’re at. We’re basically on the way to demonstrating that presidents can systemically violate the constitution and the laws of the land an get away with it

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Um, "Earth to Ralph!" You do realize that Bush and Cheney won't be in power anymore after this election, right? Making one of your campaign pledges that Bush and Cheney will be out of office is the equivalent of promising on New Year's Eve 2008 that the next day will be 2009. Its going to happen already. Get that hanging chad out of your brain.

I wouldn't mind seeing him vs Dennis Kucinich in an over the top battle royale for sanity at WrestleMania. (Love how it all ties together)

Okay everyone, keep on rockin'!

Its all about the Game and how you play it.

2008-02-28T15:18:00.003-05:00

Hello y'all. Its an alright time in sports. NASCAR is back. The NBA and NCAA hoops seasons are starting to heat up. Spring Training is beginning and of course Roger Clemens is being investigated by the government for perjury.

Yes, this is the same Federal government that is dealing with sky rocketing gas prices, a war on terror, and a coming recession. You go FBI! You nail that 45 year old ex-pitcher and his moron trainer. You're making America safer.

Clearly however, the most important sports event in America is fast approaching. No not the Superbowl, March Madness, or the World Series. Nope I'm talking about the Grandaddy of them all WrestleMania!

Thats right folks, its going to be huge, and unlike the Orioles this year, you don't know whats going to happen. Michaels-Flair, Undertaker-Edge, Cena, Triple H, and Orton in a three way dance. And for the celebrity involvement, Floyd "Money" Mayweather taking on The Big Show.

Thats right the 5-5 145 pound Mayweather will be taking on the 7-0 360 pound Big Show. Hell I'd take on a giant to in order to get paid 20 million. He better start juicing now.

Its going to be at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando with 80,000 people in attendance. The cheers will be louder, the pyro bigger, and the juice syringes bigger.

Best of all, Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee will be having an amnesty on a pole match.

Well thats all I have for now. I'll stop dreaming and look at real sports for the next few posts.
Hmm guys fighting or watching the Orioles lose 95 games. Thats a real tough choice.

Congress dealing with clearly the most important issue facing the county.

2008-02-08T16:26:00.002-05:00

For the 68th straight day Roger Clemens and his arch nemesis Reality, I mean Brian McNamee continued on their horse and pony show through Congress. Can anyone explain to me why Congress had to step in and completely rehash the whole steroids issue? I thought that was done back when Raffy and the gang were before Congress. People got yelled at. Changes were made. The issue was solved.

Now we have this? A 68 year old pitcher running around government buildings trying to reverse what his former hired help is saying about him? This isn't advancing the cause of getting rid of performance enhancing drugs. All this is doing is wasting tax payer's money and the time of Congressmen who should be trying to figure out how to secure our borders and keep the dollar from becoming worthless, not worrying about if a former player used drugs 8 years ago. Clemens went from a fat guy with three chins by the end of his Boston career to looking like Brock Lesnar overnight with Toronto. "Gee, I wonder how that happened?" Everyone was doing it then. Its time to close the door on that era and stop opening it up.

This stupid, irrelevant steroid investigation is taking longer to finish then the Erik Bedard trade.
That thing has been going on since the Reagan administration. Bedard will be as old as Clemens by the time he ever actually throws a pitch for the Mariners. I can't wait for the baseball games to actually begin. I miss my Frank TV ads.

Take it easy everyone. Remember, if someone wants to inject, you must reject.

Romney drops out. Expected to change mind in 2 days

2008-02-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well folks the political process has sure became alot clearer on the Right side of things since I've been gone. Away with my boy Tancredo. Away with Thompson. Away with Rudy. and now away with Mitt.

Huckabee will be soon to follow since he has been running for Vice President all along. Paul will probably running as 4th party candidate after Bloomberg, so expect some more money bombs to go off for him.

So it looks like its going to be Mr. Straight Talk himself John McCain, as the next Republican nominee. I hear Mayflower Moving and Storage will be relocating to Mexico just to get a jump on business since border hopping is about to pick up no matter if Mac or Obamaillary get elected.

McCain will be 72 years old by the time inauguration rolls around. Being elected President was the 8th item on his bucket list. Even his 92 year old mother thinks McCain is old as hell. Don Rickles will probably be the main entertainment at the convention. It came down to him or Garrison Keillor.

But its going to be a fun race. Seems like the Democrats will never decide a winner. Obama and Billary are neck and neck. However, Obama does have a huge fund raising edge. Hillary even had to ask Mitt Romney for money, it got so bad.

How about that Super Bowl, huh?

I'd like to introduce you to our newest Throne contributor: Mr Bill Belichick. He is going to be writing the final paragraph for us.

Well it was a tough game. They made plays. We didn't. Hopefully next year..........................

Hey, what the hell Bill? You can't just walk off the blog before the paragraph is over! Show a little class. I guess I'll have to wrap it up myself. Its a pleasure to be back y'all. feel free to comment to your heart's content.

Theres only one Lord Elevation's Throne.

This pisses me off

2007-12-15T01:33:00.000-05:00

Well folks heeeeeeeeeeees back.

Just when you thought the Throne was dead, I am back to rock your world again. The Throne will revitalize you, re-energize you, re-sexualize you, and re-Americanize you.

Its time to get back to work.

The major sports story over the past 48 hours has to be the fact David Cutliffe was named the new football coach at Duke University. It has eclipsed all other sports coverage on ESPN.

Oh wait. Whats that?

My bad.

Our lives have been rocked upside down and shaken with the new Mitchell Report.
I haven't seen this much bullshit thrown together since Al Gore was give the Noble prize for fucking with bald eagles or some other environmentally conscious thing.

I'm not going to add on to it. We all know the names included whether they should have been or not.

But I would like to add this thing I found on page 189

"According to Don Fehr, the whole investigation was delayed for over two years because Bud Selig wouldn't stop drinking the all the urine samples".

Fehr's word was the only corroborating evidence, so it was included, since that was the most solid thing they had.

More to come later!

Have a good day y'all.

Theres only one December. Damn that feels good to say.l

Season Finale

2007-11-16T20:22:00.000-05:00

Alright Gang. Thats the end of Season 1 of Lord Elevation's Throne.

You'll be hearing from me again.

There may be a God

2007-11-13T01:32:00.000-05:00

Hello Elevation Nation. Time for a little political knowledge that you can use to show off to all your stupid friends at work or school.

It sounds like Billary Clinton has been having a rough little go of it lately on the campaign trail.
Her poll lead over Barack Obama has slipped a little after her Brian Billickesque debate performance around Halloween where she managed to go the whole debate without giving a solid answer to anything. I guess "Unclear" is the new "lockbox".

Another dent in Hillary's armor could be coming from this story that the morons who actually go to her townhall meetings are actually just asking questions staffers came up with for them:

We'll jump in mid-flight with this NY Times article:

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"At two campaign events in Iowa this year, aides to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton encouraged audience members to ask her specific questions, a tactic that drew criticism from an opponent for the Democratic presidential nomination and led her yesterday to promise that it would not happen again."

"The practice came to light late last week when a student at Grinnell College in Iowa, Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff, told her campus newspaper that a Clinton aide had asked her to pose a question to Mrs. Clinton about global warming.

The request came during an event Tuesday in Newton, Iowa, where Mrs. Clinton outlined her plan to create five million jobs in renewable energy sectors.

In a question-and-answer session with the audience, Mrs. Clinton called on several people with raised hands; some of them asked friendly questions about policy, and one man pressed her on trade issues.

At one point Mrs. Clinton called on Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff, who asked for the senator’s ideas for combating global warming.

Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff did not return phone messages over the weekend seeking comment. But the Grinnell College newspaper reported her as saying that the Clinton aide told her the campaign wanted a question from a college student, and that campaign staff members had prompted Mrs. Clinton to call on him."

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Busted! For full disclosure, I think its important for Throne readers to know that the crazy guy who insults me after every post is actually planted there by my staff.

I promise you that production on the Throne, all though it has been lacking in recent days is not suffering because of the writer's strike. The horrible quality in the Throne has been a result of a labor strike by my brain.

RIP Steve McNair 2006-2007

2007-11-11T21:32:00.000-05:00

I know we have some Baltimore readers out there, so this ones for you. (Stalker feel free to chime in also)

Well folks, it looks like Steve McNair's career as a Ravens will be coming to and end soon. In his last two games. Big Steven is 30 for 48 with 191 yards and no TDs in the last two games. Hos average passes are shorter then this column.

It looks like the Circle of Life has come around and former Baltimore whipping boy Kyle Boller will be back in at QB.

Three years ago Boller was being modeled into effigies, and now he is supposed to be the savior.

Boller being asked to save the Ravens is the equivalent of OJ Simpson being elected sheriff in Los Angeles.

I can't wait to hear Billick try and spin this one. He went to the "Mike Flanagan School for Giving Bullshit Answers to the Media." My God, he gives more nonsense answers to interviews then Ultimate Warrior.

Q. So, Brian, whats your gameplan for next game?

A. "How must I prepare you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let it run over me with lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and let it trample me with raging elephants?"

Thanks Ultimate Billick!

Its rainin' but there ain't a cloud in the sky,musta been a tear from your eye

2007-11-09T23:59:00.000-05:00

Hello Elevation Nation. I hope your weekend is progressing well.

I know that other then the anonymous stalkers out there, we have quite a few sane people who read this blog. And among the group of sane people there are quite a few Yankee fans out there.

This ones for you:

(Warning for explicit content. Make sure all fire arms in the house are set to safety)

From MSNBC:

NEW YORK - Roger Clemens apparently isnt ready to move into that office at Minute Maid Park just yet.

Clemens, if healthy, would consider pitching for Team USA during the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China, according to a report on MLB.com.

The 45-year-old righthander considered the prospect of pitching in the Olympics when he first retired from the New York Yankees after the 2003 World Series, but Team USA was eliminated that fall by Mexico in the qualifying round, and it was not represented in the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, Greece.

This time around, the U.S. has already qualified.

âI think, if things fell into place and he felt good, he would be interested,â agent Randy Hendricks told MLB.com. He loves the idea of representing his country.

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Oh Boy. Usually after the Olympics, the Cuban baseball players try to hitch rides back into the US to escape Cuba. I have a feeling this time the American baseball players are going to be hitching rides to Cuba to escape from Roger Clemens.

This just in from Suzy Waldman:

"ROGER CLEMENS IS IN GEORGE'S BOX AND ROGER CLEMENS IS COMIN' BACK. OH MY GOOD--GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS--OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN, ROGER CLEMENS STANDING RIGHT IN GEORGE STEINBRENNER'S BOX ANNOUNCING HE IS BACK! ROGER CLEMENS IS AN AMERICAN OLYMPIAN! AND THERE WE GO JOHN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO TAKE THAT SPOT IN THE ROTATION. YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE YANKEE DUGOUT! BIG GRIN ON JORGE POSADA'S FACE! ANDY PETITTE KNEW, BIG-SIZE ROGER CLEMENS IS NOW AN AMERICAN OLYMPIAN! ATTENTION FANS! HE IS HERE, AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE TO DISCUSS WHO TAKES THAT SPOT IN THE ROTATION."

Looks like its gonna be one of those years.

Public Service Announcement

2007-11-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

Alright folks, its time for the announcement you have all been eagerly awaiting, the official Lord Elevation's Throne nomination for President in 2008.

After much studying of the issues, I have decided to support Congressman Tom Tancredo as my choice for President.

Now, I know Tancredo probably won't win unless Mike Gravel goes crazy and kills all the other candidates, but I feel Tancredo is the candidate who echoes my beliefs the most.

He is most well known for his beliefs concerning illegal immigration. They are a threat to America and the border needs to be closed. Congressman Tancredo believes this is the most important issue facing America today, and so do I. If you don't want to be the only English speaking person at your local hospital or WalMart, think Tancredo

He is in favor of a smaller government and lower taxes, something we're all in favor of.

Check out www.teamtancredo.org for more information.

Finally, if you don't vote for him, he is going to go Cheney on your ass, check out this video:

I guess they could start Dog the Bounty Hunter if they keep this up

2007-11-07T18:53:00.000-05:00

(A picture of Vinny Testaverde with his brother Bob Hope)

Its an odd time to be a QB in the NFL right now. Right now its Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Big Ben, Jon Kitna, Tony Romo, Brett Favre and 50 guys that suck.

I know the Throne has a few New York area readers, so they'll get a kick out of this next story. Apparently the Panthers are still insisting that The Statue of Vinny be their starter.

From Yahoo:
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Soon-to-be 44-year-old Vinny Testaverde has moved back into the lead in the pothole-filled race to be the Carolina Panthers' starting quarterback.

Testaverde returned to practice Wednesday after missing the Panthers' loss to Tennessee with a sore right Achilles' tendon. David Carr watched practice from the sideline, yet to be cleared after sustaining a concussion against the Titans.

And even tough he split time with undrafted rookie Matt Moore, and coach John Fox declined to select a starter, Testaverde sounded like the guy who will be under center on Sunday against Atlanta.

"I feel great right now. Hopefully there are no setbacks, which I don't anticipate," said Testaverde, who turns 44 next week. "I'm excited about it. I think we made the right decision in not pushing it last week."

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Why is Testaverde still playing in the NFL? When football guys hit forty, the only team they should be playing for is the Nutrisystem Team with Dan Marino and Dan Shula*.

The Throne can only hope that it'll still be performing at such a high rate for 25 years as The Statue of Vinny, although the Throne will probably need Viagra just to get out of bed in morning by that point.

Have a good time people!

Expect the Throne's 2008 Official Presidential endorsement tomorrow!

Dog the Bounty Cunter

2007-11-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Five wives. Eleven kids. Nineteen arrests.

Who do you think I'm talking about America? Evander Holyfield? Nope, not quite. Mitt Romney? No comment. Dog the Bounty Hunter? Ding ding ding, we have a winner Bobby.

Thats right folks, we're talking about America's cop, Dog the Bounty Hunter. Most people know him as the Jesus quoting reality television star, but it turns out there is another side to Dog. Did you know Dog went to jail for murdering a guy back in the 1970s? Thats right he served 18 months in 1977 for shooting a guy in Texas. Flash forward 30 years and the guy somehow becomes the biggest reality televison star in America. Things were going great for Dog. He had a growing TV show and a highly successful bail bond company in Hawaii. And then his inner psycho came out on a phone call with one of his 78 children:

Transcript from Reuters:
"I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It's not because she's black, it's because we use the word ni**er sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some fucking ni**er heard us say ni**er and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine. Our career is over! I'm not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never! If Lyssa [Dog's daughter] was dating a ni**er, we would all say 'fuck you!' And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ya da da... it's not that they're black, it's none of that. It's that we use the word ni**er. We don't mean you fucking scum ni**er without a soul. We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that. And we're not taking a chance on losing everything we got over a racial slur because our son goes with a girl like that. I can't do that Tucker. You can't expect Gary, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids to [garbled] because 'I'm in love for 7 months' - fuck that! So, I'll help you get another job but you can not work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life. I can't handle that shit. I got 'em in the parking lot trying to record us. I got that girl saying she's gonna wear a recorder..."

Yikes. Sounds like Dog may be off television for a little while. I was going to say forever, but people like Imus were able to find work again.

This conversation sounds like something "Anonymous" would have with one of alternate personalities.

"What'cha gonna do, What'cha gonna do brother when Patriotmania runs wild on you?"

2007-11-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well, brother welcome to the Throne. You're probably wondering why I couldn't come up with a better quote to describe the Patriots then something from Hulk Hogan. Thats a pretty valid point. We'll examine the Throne's lack of relevant cultural knowledge another time, but thats for another night.

Right now its time for our contractual mandated gloating of the Patriots. They played a tremendous game yesterday. Coming back from ten down in Indy, against the Super Bowl champs ain't an easy thing. Tom Brady may be the greatest player in the history of the World.
I think the media was expecting Bill Belichick to start wandering the streets of Boston like Ron Burgundy after the "Spygate" incident. Turns out he was able to take all the residual hate from that incident and bottle it up in syringes for his team.

These guys are almost as unstoppable as Adrian Petersen. I'm pretty sure someone on the Chargers made a "Your mother" joke that just completely set him off.

At one point, I was expecting Alex Rodriguez to run out onto the field and tackle Adrian just to get the spotlight back on himself.

One last thing, were my ears deceiving me, or did John Madden honestly compare Marion Barber III to Walter Payton during the Sunday Night game? Apparently Turducken now comes in an alcoholic drink form.

Alright good people, until next time. Just so you know, the Throne will not be effected by the upcoming Hollywood writers strike. Although the guy who runs this site is a cheap asshole. Oh wait, thats me. Damn.

All he really wants is an Olsen twin

2007-11-02T15:08:00.000-04:00

Well folks, looks like its going to be a long winter of non stop A-Rod. I can't wait to wake up every morning, turn on ESPN and hear non stop reports from people like Peter Gammons and Ken Rosenthal updating us every five minutes. Me thinks Tim Kurkjian's trousers get a little tighter every time he gets to talk about Alex.

The story below comes from MSNBC and ESPN. Sounds like PayRod needs a cash boost to pay off all his "nurses".
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MSNBC News Services

updated 1 hour, 21 minutes ago

Alex Rodriguez would not meet with the New York Yankees unless they offered him a $350 million contract not to opt out, ESPN reported Friday, citing sources.

ESPN said the Yankees wanted to meet with the third baseman this week, but Rodriguez chose to opt out of the final year of his contract during the Boston Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory over the Colorado Rockies on Sunday.

The Yankees would have offered Rodriguez a five-year extension worth $150 million, beginning in 2010. Thus, the deal would have paid him $230 million over eight years, the highest contract in baseball history.

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Its going to be a long, Yankee filled off-season. Torre already signed with the Dodgers. Christ, if he remembers anything about managing in the NL. The Dodgers just want to sign everyone they can from the AL East.

I hear two football teams play this weekend, but I'm not really sure who. Has anyone heard anything about it?

Theres only one November

He would've beaten Kucinich!

2007-11-01T19:23:00.000-04:00

The Throne is sad to report some horrible news from South Carolina this evening.

This from ABC:

"ABC News' Jake Tapper Reports: The presidential candidacy of comedian Stephen Colbert seemed to come to a screeching halt Thursday afternoon. The comedian's application to be on the South Carolina Democratic primary ballot was rejected and he did not apply to appear on the state GOP primary ballot -- with its $35,000 filing fee

Colbert, who was raised on James Island in Charleston, S.C., filed his application with the Democrats and paid the $2,500 filing fee before the noon deadline. But the South Carolina Democratic Party executive council met and after 30-45 minutes of debate and discussion decided to reject his application. His check will be refunded."

Thats a great way for SC Democrats to endear themselves to young voters. They won't accept Colbert, who actually has a national following, but will accept the midget who sees aliens.

At least Colbert would've added a little flavor to the constant debates, where people who are natural windbags act like they're normal.

Its a sad night for America.

This is our country.

LiveWrong

2007-10-31T21:34:00.000-04:00

Well folks, here is a Halloween story made to send chills down your spines. The Throne found this little gem originally on Perez Hilton, the actual text of this report comes from Fox News:

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"Full House" star Ashley Olsen has found love with Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong, the New York Post's Page Six reports. Olsen, 21, was seen Monday night canoodling with the 36-year-old retired cyclist at New York's Gramercy Park Hotel, a source told the paper.

"They came together with a group of friends," the source said. "Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."

Armstrong, the seven-time Tour de France winner, broke up with fashion designer Tory Burch earlier this month. He was engaged to singer Sheryl Crow and has three children from his first marriage.

Olsen, along with her twin sister, Mary-Kate, owns Dualstar Entertainment Group. She's been romantically linked to a Columbia University quarterback and actor Jared Leto.

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Wow. Talk about weird. Hasn't cycling been through enough? After we hear enough about this story, the Tour de France is going to miss the drug abuse days.

If, Lord Elevation had 15 minutes to come up with an odder couple, I'm not sure I could do it. Maybe something involving Tyra Banks and Bud Selig, but even then Ashley and Lance have them beat. No word if she was seen leaving with his yellow jersey.

I expect this will propel Bob Saget's standup career another five years.

Time to cross the finish line on this entry.

Is there anybody alive out there?

2007-10-31T13:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween to all the readers out there in Elevation Nation.

Today's story has a Halloween touch to it. Its part creepy, part fantasy, and part Democrat.

From our bros at CNN:

PHILADELPHIA (CNN) — So if there are space aliens, can they register to vote?

Perhaps Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is courting their support, discussing a UFO sighting in Tuesday night’s debate.

He confirmed an account in actress Shirley MacLaine’s book that he saw a UFO at her home in Washington state. Though he didn’t address the rest of her description, that the Ohio congressman “felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”

Kucinich said to moderator Tim Russert’s question, “It was an unidentified flying object, OK? It's, like, it's unidentified. I saw something.”

jubjub

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I'm fairly convinced that Dennis Kucinich is really alien. Abduction is the only way he could've gotten a smokin' wife like that.

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel like Charlton Heston in "The Omega Man". The last man on Earth who isn't a bandwagon Red Sox fan. Its getting there.

Have fun trick or treating kids. Be sure to avoid Albert Belle's house or Stephen Jackson's house, or Isiah Thomas' house or Stephon Marbury's Escalade.

I already forgot who won the World Series.

2007-10-30T17:35:00.000-04:00

As a reminder to my loyal readers and loyal stalker, the Red Sox were the team that won the World Series the other day.

However, the media seems to have forgotten this, as we are currently being bombarded on SportsCenter and other shows with either : Joe Torre to the Dodgers, the Patriots running up score against the Redskins, as well as Jesus Girardi coming in to "save" the Yankees.

I'm going to miss the baseball season. No more annoying Frank TV promos, no more Dane Cook "Theres only one October" commercials. No more hearing Joe Buck embarrass himself by taking a bet from Conan and saying "JubJub" during a nationally televised World Series game.

We only have one thing left. And thats John Mellencamp. We'll still hear "Our Country" performed during every single football game for the rest of our natural lives.

jubjub

The media's obsession with the Yankees and Patriots is almost reaching a John Madden/ Brett Favre level. I'm expecting Mike Vrabel to replace Ronan Tynan as the guy who sings "God Bless America" at Yankee games.

Alright folks for one final time. "Theres only one LordEltober."

Hide the kids and women, its time for another NBA season.

2007-10-29T15:50:00.000-04:00

The leaves are starting to fall and that clod wind is startin' to blow in. That means its time for the 2007-2008 NBA season to begin.

Women in New York City beware. If you see a creepy man with the same name of a prophet looking at you, just run. Just make sure you don't run to the backseat of Stephon Marbury's Escalade.

The Throne would also like to unveil the Knicks' 2007 team slogan, as provided by the aforementioned Mr. Marbury: "I didn't call her a black bitch. I called her a bitch." Yes, that little gem came out of the Zeke trial. Great offseason for that crew.

My 2nd favorite off-season season story from the Law and Order :Special NBA Unit was the captaincy of the NBA's most prolific perp, Stephen Jackson. This portion of an article comes from ESPN:

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Jackson will start the season with a seven-game suspension from NBA commissioner David Stern. Jackson pleaded guilty in June to a felony count of criminal recklessness stemming from an incident in which he fired a gun outside an Indianapolis strip club during training camp in October 2006. He was also sentenced to 100 hours of community service and fined $5,000.

Jackson, who has been known to argue with officials and was ejected from two playoff games last season, has a past that includes being part of the infamous brawl at the Palace at Auburn Hills in November 2004. Jackson was suspended 30 games for his involvement. After a playoff game last season where Jackson vociferously complained openly about the referees, the newly appointed captain drew a fine from Nelson. But Nelson said he respects Jackson for his passion and energy. Jackson, who is sporting a new tattoo, says the ink references his past while looking to his future. The image shows two praying hands in front of a church window holding a gun.

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Thats just a great move by Golden State. Way to send a message! No wonder the NBA has image problems. Whats next, OJ Simpson being named the national spokesman of the United Way?

Alright folks, enjoy the seaon. My championship pick Spurs over Nets.

Theres only one Stephen JacktOber.

A pretty good night for Sox Nation, a great night for Elevation Nation!

2007-10-29T01:06:00.000-04:00

The Throne would like to congratulate the Red Sox on winning their 2nd in World Series in four years. Thats quite an achievement. They really took it to the Rockies. The Curse of Kevin Millar is finally removed.

Mike Lowell was the MVP, Papelbon and Okajima pitched great blah blah blah.

Time to get to the best part of that telecast. The full length video for Bruce Springsteen's "Radio Nowhere" + a part of U2's "Walk On" played during the closing credits!

Man, fuck the series finale of M*A*S*H, that five minute period in itself was the greatest moment in the history of television.

I'm not going to be able to sleep all night now!

Time to rejoice with a couple music videos; click to play:

I think its time that you know who I really work for

2007-10-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

Hello everybody. We'll get back to sports on Monday, but I thought it would be a good time to get our International on.

The following comes from our great friends at the Washington Post, as well as our spiritual brothers as MSNBC:
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MOSCOW - After ignoring the Internet for years to focus on controlling traditional media such as television and newspapers, the Kremlin and its allies are turning their attention to cyberspace, which remains a haven for critical reporting and vibrant discussion in Russia's dwindling public sphere.

Allies of President Vladimir Putin are creating pro-government news and pop culture Web sites while purchasing some established online outlets known for independent journalism. They are nurturing a network of friendly bloggers ready to disseminate propaganda on command. And there is talk of creating a new Russian computer network -- one that would be separate from the Internet at large and, potentially, much easier for the authorities to control.

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The more things change in Russia, the more they stay the same, I guess. Its a beautiful nation deserves the freedoms of press and free speech that we have.

Although the Throne doesn't share Putin's views on censorship, we do s enjoy his wearing a fishing outfit that looks like something from a homo erotic LL Bean catalog. This could be why he hates the internet.

Theres only one government mandated October.

I got 99 problems but this witch ain't one

2007-10-27T02:28:00.000-04:00

Friday, October 26th will stand as a low moment in American history.

On that day Hillary Clinton turned sixty. She celebrated the occasion by having a 1.5 million dollar fund-raising gala thrown in her honor.

She also used the occasion as a pedal- stool to throw a jab at fellow Presidential candidate and sports traitor Rudy Giuliani:

“I have been a fan — and I remain a fan — of the Yankees, no changes, no looking to curry favor with anybody else.”
(Courtesy EON, I feel sorry for those poor bastards who had to cover this thing)

Really Hillary? I'll let the pictures speak louder then the words on this one.

You decide America. I know the 1.5 mill was nice, but the only thing Hillary really wanted for her birthday was a free taco at Taco Bell from 2-5 PM, October 30th at all participating Taco Bells.

Theres only one Our Country.

A great night for Sox Nation, an even better one for Catholic Nation

2007-10-26T00:14:00.000-04:00

What a time to be a Boston fan right now. Sox up 2-0 in the World Series, BC is #2 in the BCS and had a signature win at Va. Tech tonight, things are looking up for the Celtics with KG and Ray Allen in town, The Patriots 7-0 and looking like they'll go undefeated, and most of importantly of all, no Kennedys are in prison!

Boston College traveled to Blacksburg and beat Virginia Tech at home on a game winning TD pass from Matt Ryan with eleven seconds left to spare. The Jesuits were just praying that BC would cover the spread. The win was an added bonus. Final score 14-10. Ryan has moxie. He'll be top 3 in the Heisman voting. I love watching him play.

The other big Boston game of the night was the Red Sox continued dominance of the over-matched Rockies. The Cheaper Cultural Icon and the Dancing Closer make an unstoppable back of the bullpen duo.

But, as it tends to happen with every FOX baseball broadcast, there is something that is driving me Pacman Joneslike crazy. Just in case you didn't know, the members of Boston's bullpen enjoy playing percussion instruments during the game. To reinforce this point the morons at FOX insist on showing us every single inning! We get it by now!!!! The guys in the Red Sox bullpen like to make noises in rhythm! I'm glad Eric Gagne is finally good at something.

The sad part about all of it is that the guys clapping in rhythm are actually more entertaining and informative then McCarver and Buck combined.

At this rate Mitt Romney may be President for a long, long time. Don't be surprised of Obama announces that he is also cousins with Wes Welker and Kevin Youkillis.

Theres only one BOStober.

Enjoy this video of the song "Shipping up to Boston" from the Dropkick Murphys! (Keep scrolling down)

Maybe he wants to be OJ's cellmate?

2007-10-25T14:28:00.000-04:00

(Picture of Bonds from before the Chernobyl disaster)

Happy Thursday folks. The Throne was going to write a review of last night's Game 1 of the World Series, however everything I could possibly write about the Rockies was already covered in Saw IV.

So, while going through the news of the day I came upon this report from MSNBC and the San Fransisco Chronicle:

Marichal says Bonds won't play again
Hall of Famer Juan Marichal, the former San Francisco Giants pitcher, thinks Barry Bonds is going to retire, instead of landing on another team for the 2008 season. "I doubt it," Marichal told the San Francisco Chronicle. "I think he's ready to retire." Marichal said Bonds would have a hard time adjusting in a new locale. (San Francisco Chronicle)

Now, I'm not really sure why Marichal and Bonds were hanging out together, unless there was a meeting of the International Asshole Convention last night, but that must not be true because Joe Buck was still announcing Game 1 of the World Series. Who knows? Maybe they were at the spa together or something.

But, on to the story: The Throne isn't really sure how to react to this news. Bonds was either the greatest baseball player of the greatest fraud in history. Maybe a little of both. He'll be missed in San Fran and Pittsburgh, but probably nowhere else.

My only advice to readers is to sell all stocks they have in pharmaceutical companies ASAP.

There is only one Lord Elevation's throne. Enjoy ELtober.

Well, at least he didn't become a Red Sox fan!

2007-10-24T17:23:00.000-04:00

Well folks, it looks like the Juice is being squeezed again. The following report comes courtesy of our close buds at the Associated Press:

"LAS VEGAS -- New charges of felony coercion were filed Wednesday against O.J. Simpson and three co-defendants in the alleged armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers.

Prosecutors increased to 12 the number of charges against Simpson, Clarence Stewart, Michael McClinton and Charles Ehrlich."

Courtesy of the AP

At least there is evidence that Kevin Millar isn't the stupidest man in America. The Throne is amazed that past incidents didn't at least pass through OJ's mind before he gathered his posse and tried to steal back some of his memorabilia from a hotel room in Las Vegas. Las Vegas seems like an odd place to go searching for the real killer.

Hopefully this will be the last time we hear from OJ, until he pulls another shithead move such as trying to kick a police officer's foot in a men's room or bring a liquid onto a plane.

Theres only one OJtober.

Now you can break the ties that bind

2007-10-24T12:48:00.000-04:00

Well folks, welcome back to the Throne. It seems like the focus of the blog so far has been traitors and the Boston Red Sox. Turns out the more things change, the more they stay the same.

From CNN.Com:

NN) — It may be politically popular in the heart of Red Sox Nation, but that probably didn’t make the admission any easier for Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani.

The former New York City mayor acknowledged at a Boston news conference Tuesday he is rooting for the rival Red Sox to win the World Series.

“I’m not saying that just because I’m here in Massachusetts,” the Republican presidential candidate said to applause and laughs. “If I’m in Colorado in the next week or two, you will see I will have the courage to tell the people of Colorado the same thing.”

All I can say is wow. This is going to anger more people then his abortion stance. Apparently since the Sox and Yankees play in the same division he feels like he is still obligated to root for them.

No word yet if he plans on voting for Hillary Clinton just because she lives nearby.

In another turn of shocking news, it turns out Tom Tancredo owns an ocean front villa in Mexico.

I was spinnin' 'round a dead dial
Just another lost number in a file
Dancin' down a dark hole
Just searchin' for a world with some soul

This is radio nowhere, is there anybody alive out there?
This is radio nowhere, is there anybody alive out there?
Is there anybody alive out there?

Its a scary world folks. Theres only one October and Frank TV.

Etch gets fired

2007-10-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

A source told me that long time Orioles player and employee Andy Etchebarren has been fired as the Aberdeen Ironbirds' manager.

I expect the Sun will run a story in a few days.

Etch played for the Orioles from 1962- 1975.

The Ironbirds went 34-42 in 2007.

You heard it at the throne first.

Can you smell what the Crock is cookin?

2007-10-23T18:18:00.000-04:00

Good People:

Time for part 2 of our around the clock coverage of Kevin MillarGate. It turns out Kevindict MillArnold actually had team permission for his stunt the other night from none other then the Ayatollah of Asbestos, Peter G Angelos.

According to the Baltimore Sun:

"Millar was surprised and a little amused yesterday by the attention. He said he was hesitant to take part in Sunday's pre-game events but changed his mind after learning Red Sox president Larry Lucchino had contacted MacPhail and Orioles owner Peter Angelos to ask permission and got no objections"

Thats right. Can you believe that shit? Peter Angelos personally approved Kevin Millar's request to become a nationally known jackass. It figures. He probably think the Red Sox are home team at Camden Yards anyway, since they bring so many fans with them. The Throne was as horrified by this news as the time the Undertaker realized his wife had hired Chris Benoit to babysit their kids.

Well thats all for tonight folks..................................., wait, this just in:

In other news it turns out Falcons owner Arthur Blank was the man responsible for providing Michael Vick with his killing dogs. This just in, the White Bronco that OJ used to roll in back in '95 was rented with Paul Tagliabue's credit card.

When will it ever end? Peter G Angelos: Breaking the heart of Oriole fans 10 years running.

They are who we thought they aren't

2007-10-23T00:25:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow as you all know, (unless you haven't been watching Dane Cook, in which case, way to not be a trendy bastard), is the start of the 103rd World Series. To mark this water shed moment, I thought I'd take a look today at Colorado Rockies. Tomorrow for the AM post, I'll examine the Boston Millars.

Jeff Francis
Matt Herges
Manny Corpas
Josh Fogg
Brian Fuentes

Who the hell are these people? (A) A list of characters killed off Lost last season, when a lot of crazy shit happened. (B) People caught on NBC's 'To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. (C) List of pitchers who have won playoff games for the Rockies this post-season.

If you guessed A, nice try. Although, at this point the smoke monster is way more famous then any of these guys ever will be.

If you guessed B, again nice try. None of these guys fit that bill, but eyes should be kept on Joe Buck at all times.

Finally Guess C. You are correct, you get to go past Go. Yep, these are the 5 people who won playoff games for the Rockies this post-season. This is just a group of hard working guys who combined make as much as Roger Clemens' personal trainer. Corpas, Fuentes, Herges and a cast of a thousand AL misfits make up the Rockies' pen. After watching him with the Orioles, whoever thought LaTroy Hawkins would still be pitching in key spots for a playoff contender? At this point, I thought he'd be playing for the Hiroshima Whale Killers.

Jeff Francis, Fogg, Ubaldo Jimenez and Franklin Morales make up the Rocks' rotation. If that doesn't put the fear of God in Sox fans, I don't know what will, except for Eric HgHane.

Now to the position players. We have Matt Holliday, who may be the NL's MVP this year, although Fox Sports Net Mountain High doesn't quite reach the East Coast, so chances are Jimmy Rollins will win the award for the Fightins'.

Todd Helton, the Rockies lonnnnnnnng time 1st baseman used to back up Peyton Manning in college. Thats all the media chooses to tell us about him and Seth Smith, the pinch hitter extraordinare who used to back up Eli at Old Miss. I'd take either of those guys over McNabb right now.

Beyond those three, I'm not really too familiar with any of the other position players, so I'll just pull a McCarver and tell you that they all play their positions when its time for defense and hit when its time for offense.

So, there it is. We'll talk about the Boston Red Sox tomorrow and try to not get a restraining order from Kevin Millar.

Theres only one October. and only one World Series. and only one Lord Elevation's throne.

New Owner found for Ellen's dog.

2007-10-22T19:04:00.001-04:00

I'm sure by now, you've all heard the tragic tale of Iggy DeGenres. If you aren't up to speed on the situation, click the video above. However, the crack staff at Lord Elevation's throne have discovered the identity of the dog's new owner.

Its this man:
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You were a good dog Iggy.

Now entering the game...........

2007-10-22T17:20:00.002-04:00

Well gang. Its finally here. Lord Elevation's pithy blog.

I plan on posting here until OJ Simpson steals my laptop.

Lets get right into it with the issue that is bugging the shit out of me today:

Last night the Boston Red Sox completed their comeback against the Indians by beating them at home to win the series 4-3. The Cultural Icon pitched a great game. The Cheaper Cultural Icon pitched well, as did Jon Papelbon, the best dancing closer in baseball.

However, down in Baltimore, the pitcher who got the most attention was the Orioles own Kevin Millar. Kevin, in case you forgot, used to play for the Red Sox, until they dropped his worthless ass on the street. Sure enough, one man's trash is another man's treasure, and a few weeks after he was let go, the Orioles came crawling towards him like a starving African crawls to Bono. Despite playing for the Orioles, it seems like Kevin has never left Boston.

Never before have I seen a current player for one franchise come back to another franchise and do something like throw out the first pitch. Its a complete slap in the face to all Oriole fans. Its a a horrible thing to do. Imagine TO doing the opening coin flip at an Eagles game. Imagine Bill Clinton going back to Air Force One to get a BJ from a stewardess for old times sake. Imagine Dane Cook doing a commercial that advertises how great September was. Its bullshit. What the hells up with that shirt anyway? Looks like something Jon Bon Jovi would wear.

Honestly, I'm so pissed right now. I have to go powerlift at Paul Byrd's to work off this stress.

Cheers.